Last night I went out to Hollywood with friends to check out a band they knew. It was clear that this band had gotten into rock and roll for one purpose - meeting the ladies. The songs weren't memorable, but they were good musicians, and they'd clearly practiced all the right moves - winking at girls in the audience, strutting the tight pants, muscle shirts, fog machines, spray-on-sweat. It was all about presentation, and as much as I fought the urge, I couldn't help feeling a little jealous of these guys.
I've never been textbook cool, and I'm probably one of the only artists who didn't get into music to attract girls. It wasn't until late in High school that I even made the connection that girls dug musicians. Growing up, I had dealt with a lot of challenges, and music had been my refuge; a solitary escape. I actually used to try everything except music to get the attention of the girls I liked. In elementary school, I wrote plays and tried to cast girls I had crushes on to star in them ("Attack of the killer stuffed Animals", anyone?...) In Jr High and High School, I'd heard that girls loved guys with accents, so I'd put them on during class discussions or while reading out loud. A vague scottish Brogue while reading passages from "The Scarlet Letter"? Of course! A southern drawl to enhance one of Shakespeare's odes? Why not! Did it work with the ladies? I have no idea - I had no game, so I never found out. Maybe I'll ask around at the 10 year reunion.
Of course, I eventually discovered the rush of playing for an audience, and the attention that comes with that, and I really love those things. But music for me has forever become linked with something much deeper. When I see a band like the guys last night, I can't help but be a little envious. For them, playing music is like me putting on that accent in english class, one more way of attracting attention. How much easier would it be to think of music that way! Somehow I got roped in on such a deeper level! When you invest your heart and soul in something like this, every performance becomes an expression of your deepest self. And when people really connect with that, it's the most incredible feeling in the world. And when they don't, it can be crushing. Last night, I felt like these guys were cheating - looking for all the glory without any of the risk. But it was entertaining and fun, and ultimately, that's what it's all about. Music is a language that can be used to flirt, heal, challenge, love, and grow. It's amazing to feel as though writing brings me closer to conversing with the infinite, but sometimes it's also fun to have fun. The living is in the balance.
Ironically, the things that give us wings are often the heaviest to carry. But that's the challenge of living an inspired life. I may be in too deep, but then again, to paraphrase one of my favorite books, the deeper we open ourselves, the more we can contain. May we all be blessed with such a beautiful burden.
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